NASCAR Star Fired Up Over Earl

CHARLOTTE, NC – A spokesman for two-time Daytona 500 winner, Michael Waltrip, announced that the popular driver and car owner has filed a lawsuit again NBC, Fox Television and the producers of the comedy television show, My Name Is Earl for an unspecified amount. A source close to Waltrip states that the defamation suit involves  the unauthorized modification of his likeness and subsequent use on television. When pressed for more information about the obvious addition of a flame to the photograph, the anonymous source stated, “Nah, he really did light the fart. He’s just mad that they photo-shopped in the Budweiser bottles instead of Red Bull like was in the contract”. Earl Hickey could not be located for comment.

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Did you Know? According to a human study, only five out of nine test subjects produced flatus containing flammable methane and hydrogen.

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NOTICE: None of these stories are true. I do attempt to sprinkle in some facts, but it is unlikely that any of the events really happened.

Widow Gets $60k for Fake Farm

FARMVILLE, USA – A Chicago widow is sixty thousand dollars richer thanks to the sale of her virtual farm. Viola Normusbut had been building her farm for six months when she decided as a joke to list it on a popular auction site. Describing the excitement of watching the bidding, she said, “I thought I was going to pee my pants. And then I thought I’m going to jail” The sixty-four year old single widow not only remained free, but received a big check to boot. “When my husband died, he left me with nothing. All I had was my computer and a lot of time. Now I have all of this money”. A spokesman for the auction site said that they do not get involved with buyer-seller disputes, “As far as we are concerned, a deal is a deal”. As for Viola, “I think I’m going to go have some fun”

Obama – Pirates Reach Trade Agreement

WASHINGTON, DC – A source at the Whitehouse announced an historic agreement between President Obama and the South Atlantic Pirates Union. Union representative, Captain “Calico” Cody met with the president this month to discuss concerns over decreasing tourism in the Caribbean, brought on by the waning global economy.

Cody, “Ahrrr! Plunders are down 40% across the region.

The average wage per Able Seaman is down to one quarter share and half rations per days breathin’”

The president answered with ideas, including exotic vacations offered in future bailout and stimulus plans, “The pirates need more Americans to rob and kidnap. And Americans, frankly just need to start feeling good about themselves again.” For its part, the union founded in 1713 by the dreaded Edward Teach, has agreed to a quota system, to ensure tourists as a sustainable resource for future pirate generations. Additional concessions were agreed upon by offering discounted merchandise at all major port cities. Highlighting the win-win quality of the agreement, Obama added, “For the price of a couple boat tickets, we can put smiles on the faces of thousands of hard working Americans, while helping to preserve a way of life and the continued survival of a vital industry of the Caribbean region“. See your travel agent for Buccaneer  Class vacations to the Caribbean.

$.50 OFF!

$.50 OFF!

Slapping Contest Ends In Death, Coma

TURTOLES RIVIERE, MN – One man is dead and another in a coma after a marathon, 26-hour Face Slapping Contest. What began as a drunken game, soon turned into an attempt to break an obscure seventy nine year old record set in Kiev, Ukraine of just over 30 hours. The contest was called when one contestant fell backward in his chair causing their beer-soaked table to flip in the air, in turn sending the other man backward as well. According to a source at the Beltnrammeefanee County Coroner’s Office, the second man died instantly when his head struck the concrete floor of Pour Wilber’s Bar and Krill where the incident occurred. The source further stated that the man in a coma, suffered a stroke prior to his fall that “was likely caused by repeated blows to the head”. Authorities investigated, but filed no charges. The Ukrainians were not contacted.

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Did you know? The population of Kiev was 2,611,300 in 2001. The population of Turtle River, MN was about 75.

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